MAFS - Season 4 - Derek Schwartz - Heather Seidel

crazychicken wrote:

1. Editing can make anyone look cold. Reality show producers have admitted that they can edit a person to seem any way that they want.

2. When he was shouting at her he told her that if she was so great she wouldn't have been single.

Anyone who treats someone the way Derek treated Heather is a loser IMO. I'm not going to support men who think it is ok to verbally abuse women for any reason.

Saying he was being salty was not taking ownership, IMO. He did not acknowledge the true nature of what he did. The things he said to her were the same things that anyone who has worked in family services knows to look out for because it was verbal abuse. So until he acknowledges that he was being verbally abusive, then no he is not taking ownership.

Ashley was being viciously attacked for not wanting to married to a violent man. The show didn't have a leg to stand on with Ashley. It is rather upsetting that people are still going after Ashley, even though they know the truth about David.

1. If it was just editing then why was Derek commenting on it in the moment to Heather and she did not deny it. Why was Pastor Calvin calling her out for it.

2. I may be remembering wrong but I thought he said 'If your life was perfect you wouldn't be here'

If people worked in family services then they should also be on the look out for passive aggressive behavior, eye rolling etc  is hostile inaction which is a form of covert manipulation and is destructive to a relationship. So if you want Derek to own what he did then you should also require Heather to own her behavior as well. They both acted badly in that moment IMO

When was David violent to Ashley, he made a mistake in the past it should have excluded him from the show but he did not abuse Ashley IMO

1. When have any of the experts ever called out the men for their actions? Because IMO, the experts seem to constantly be going after the women and never question the men. If they are calling out the men, it never seems to make the final cut of what makes it on the air.

2. Heather has not been on SM in over a week.

jupitercornflakes wrote:

1. When have any of the experts ever called out the men for their actions? Because IMO, the experts seem to constantly be going after the women and never question the men.  If they are calling out the men, it never seems to make the final cut of what makes it on the air.

2. Heather has not been on SM  in over a week.

Last season I thought the women were the ones that got the easier pass, Ashley was a total snot yet David got told to stick with her and keep trying. Sam was a total mess IMO on level with Ryan D for douchebag behavior yet Neil was encouraged to keep trying also. Overall this seasons experts seem more willing to tell the participants they are part of the problem, I for one an glad that they are not coddling them so much this season.

Heather is away on a girls trip, according to Sonia's twitter she should be back in the next few days. Maybe she will keep silent on her return she seems way less active on social media about the show than the other participants.

jupitercornflakes wrote:


1. It matters because you cannot get to know someone who is high. And I'm willing to bet she said it was ok because she didn't expect him to get high  several days in a row. And the reason many women don't speak their minds is because society has taught women to to be quiet and not make waves. **** IMO****

2. You can have an argument  without making abusive comments. But that is not what Derek did. He made several statements that were very cruel and very personal. That is not what adults do. She did not do that to him. She kept her comments to how he was behaving.

I'm tired of seeing women told they need to make it work with losers, while no one ever focuses on how these men behave.

The only reason he is not blatantly insulting her on SM is because he would risk violating his contract with the show. That hasn't stopped him from making comments that are veiled insults. And it is worth noting that he did not take ownership of the the unacceptable things he said. He made a pathetic excuse and as usual few people take him to task for it.

***IMO***

I really agree with your points.  I don't find anything Heather has done to be uncalled for IMO.  Saying you don't mind occasional use to me implies a few times at year at parties at their age.  Anything more than that, I'd be done too.  Good for her for sticking to her standards and calling out the show on making unreasonable casting choices IMO.

I have found many prior year cast members far more disrespectful, mean and inappropriate to their partners than either Heather or Derek TBH, IMO.  

But Derreck has shown a really awful side brewing beneath his tv façade IMO.  For me when he said he'd cast Kathy Bates to play Heather in a movie (I assumed he was thinking of Misery) I took notice of how deep seeded his anger and nastiness might actually go in real life.  The aging like milk comment just boiled my blood and I was as done with Derreck as Heather is, and I'm only watching the guy on tv .  So personally I'm glad Heather is not willing to fake interest in the guy. JMO

relaxing wrote:

jupitercornflakes wrote:


1. It matters because you cannot get to know someone who is high. And I'm willing to bet she said it was ok because she didn't expect him to get high  several days in a row. And the reason many women don't speak their minds is because society has taught women to to be quiet and not make waves. **** IMO****

2. You can have an argument  without making abusive comments. But that is not what Derek did. He made several statements that were very cruel and very personal. That is not what adults do. She did not do that to him. She kept her comments to how he was behaving.

I'm tired of seeing women told they need to make it work with losers, while no one ever focuses on how these men behave.

The only reason he is not blatantly insulting her on SM is because he would risk violating his contract with the show. That hasn't stopped him from making comments that are veiled insults. And it is worth noting that he did not take ownership of the the unacceptable things he said. He made a pathetic excuse and as usual few people take him to task for it.

***IMO***

I really agree with your points.  I don't find anything Heather has done to be uncalled for IMO.  Saying you don't mind occasional use to me implies a few times at year at parties at their age.  Anything more than that, I'd be done too.  Good for her for sticking to her standards and calling out the show on making unreasonable casting choices IMO.

I have found many prior year cast members far more disrespectful, mean and inappropriate to their partners than either Heather or Derek TBH, IMO.  

But Derreck has shown a really awful side brewing beneath his tv façade IMO.  For me when he said he'd cast Kathy Bates to play Heather in a movie (I assumed he was thinking of Misery) I took notice of how deep seeded his anger and nastiness might actually go in real life.  The aging like milk comment just boiled my blood and I was as done with Derreck as Heather is, and I'm only watching the guy on tv.  So personally I'm glad Heather is not willing to fake interest in the guy. JMO

Regarding the Kathy Bates comment, I think he was joking when he said it because he wrote on twitter OMG they used that... I am not sure of the exact wordings. I think he gave them 2 answers and they chose the more scandalous one. I don't think he hates her in real life. I have seen him defend her on instagram when people were talking abt her wedding dress.

Maybe because I follow these people on SM, I actually think they are all good people.

Thing is, because he thought getting stoned, even once during the honeymoon, was acceptable behavior is, in itself, good enough reason to call it quits.

nuts2uiam wrote:

The really truly sad part of this is that apparently this is not an aberration.  Do they try, sure, but I am not so sure how thorough a job they actually do in some of the basic stuff that would create problems.  Questions galore but there seem to be many gaps in the most basic ways.  I did watch season 1 & 2. Skipped 3 because of total disgust and actually didn't set out to watch season 4 but got roped into it when a visiting friend wanted to watch.  I think, statistically almost any theory can work and a few "winners" will emerge, but that is not the basis for building a good marriage, IMO.  I have stayed before that I think, H & D may have been a distant 4th couple, and when the original couple #3 backed out they simply punted to H & D.  Sadder, even still is that regardless of blame, they now have more "baggage" as viewers tune in to watch and the tabloids blast their story across the front pages.  I don't think anyone deserves to have additional heartache over a failed relationship, but, if you deliberately place yourself in such a situation, you have to take the good with the bad. I honestly feel sad for both of them.  I did feel worse however, for Jessica Castro, who I feel the so called experts, actually placed her in danger for the sake of a TV show.

re: the bolded. exactly! thats what i think might be the case with Heather this season. In her confession, she did say she is scared of Derek's behavior. (though i suspect the editors cut out the part  when she spesifically mentioned the pot habit).
I for one knows several people with pot issues. They have one problem in common : the extreme mood swing. One time they can be sweet and cheerful..to be in a 'offensive-defensive mode' in a flip second. In few cases, people with such issues can be abusive too (emotional and/or physical). for instance, his comment about 'the dog years" over H was way out of the line. JMO

Basically these two do have serious communication issues. The closed off of H and pot habit/mood swing of D only made it worse.

Thank you for reminding me, that H-D Wedding was the distant one. Their's was 3 weeks apart from N-S and T-L, right?. If memory served me well, in either S2 or S3 sleuthers also found out that there was a distant couple too, but i can't recall the detail. I do remember though, they started S4 filming  during the airing of S3 :shocked!: ...as i thought at the time : Good Lord...with that rush production, they must have missed out something crucial in the casting department...please..no Ryan D Nino ever again...

oh well, only 2 details leaving me curious for these two :
- When will Heather walks out.
- If/when they will ever air Derek's "dirty laundry". :shocked!:

If they parted before the end of the six weeks, I actually respect them for not caving in to what may have been producers' demands that they stay together to complete the show. Whatever the issues are, it is very obvious that this couple is very toxic to each other, and I feel they have the right to terminate the relationship if one or the other feels deeply that things are so bad they can't be repaired. Both of them are volatile and should stay far away from each other. JMHO.

Amberish wrote:Thing is, because he thought getting stoned, even once during the honeymoon, was acceptable behavior is, in itself, good enough reason to call it quits.

I'm a little confused.  I thought that one of the premises of the Show was to not make it so easy for the participants to walk away when things become difficult without at least trying work through them.  IMO, this is at least one of the reasons why the participants have to get married.  At least the producers are showing us that Derek is trying to work out their problems.  When Heather made a big deal about his smoking, he stopped smoking.  I just don't see where Heather is trying to work on making their marriage work.  Apparently, she now wants out of the marriage since it wasn't her "ideal" marriage.  No wonder there are so many divorces. :bigsigh:

I'd walk away too. Obviously a real life (not reality life) marriage is different. You'd already know that he "smokes" and he'd know that it's a deal breaker with you. I also didn't appreciate his tone with her and that started early on. I get that she shut down early on herself but he helped that by his insults IMO. I think both were to blame but I also think they were never suited for each other from the start.

albean99 wrote:I'd walk away too. Obviously a real life (not reality life) marriage is different. You'd already know that he "smokes" and he'd know that it's a deal breaker with you. I also didn't appreciate his tone with her and that started early on. I get that she shut down early on herself but he helped that by his insults IMO. I think both were to blame but I also think they were never suited for each other from the start.

I didn't notice any harsh tone until the smoking fight. I really wish she had brought the smoking issue up in private and a lot earlier. I disagree with you abt the compatibility. I actually think they might have been good for each other.

Ruqibabe wrote:

albean99 wrote:I'd walk away too. Obviously a real life (not reality life) marriage is different. You'd already know that he "smokes" and he'd know that it's a deal breaker with you. I also didn't appreciate his tone with her and that started early on. I get that she shut down early on herself but he helped that by his insults IMO. I think both were to blame but I also think they were never suited for each other from the start.

I didn't notice any harsh tone until the smoking fight. I really wish she had brought the smoking issue up in private and a lot earlier. I disagree with you abt the compatibility. I actually think they might have been good for each other.

I think so too.

2observe wrote:

Ruqibabe wrote:

albean99 wrote:I'd walk away too. Obviously a real life (not reality life) marriage is different. You'd already know that he "smokes" and he'd know that it's a deal breaker with you. I also didn't appreciate his tone with her and that started early on. I get that she shut down early on herself but he helped that by his insults IMO. I think both were to blame but I also think they were never suited for each other from the start.

I didn't notice any harsh tone until the smoking fight. I really wish she had brought the smoking issue up in private and a lot earlier. I disagree with you abt the compatibility. I actually think they might have been good for each other.

I think so too.

Me three, when they were in the cave doing the 'we' exercise I could see them working out if the both put the effort in and then it went to crap